I remember you

I Remember you.mp3



This is how it goes.

I need/want to do something. anything. could be adding a widget. could be saving a portion of a tune or deleting a code segment.

ok. i lied. i've no idea what a widget is let alone know how to even ask the right questions to learn how to add one. where would i add it? presumably to something that has hitherto gone widgetless? yeah, right.

anyhow, this is how it begins; i need to do something. in this case it was adding the mp3 file of this tune "I Remember You" to my blog.

easy sleazy right?
well shit, you'd think so. i mean you can add a video or a picture by clicking a freakin button on any blog site you wanna name. i should know. i've made the rounds.

yeah, blogs are omnipresent these days and you'd think that on account of us not being able to swing a dead car without hitting one (i'm so sorry to have just typed that; i love kitty kats. i really do) there really should be at least one that allows even the greenhorn-wet-behind-the-ears-over 30-first-time-rodeo clown type of dude to click a button and add an audio file.

not so much. not easy. almost not even possible. or so it was seeming.

i had my expert son in my corner. (expert at Information Technology)--notice how i pay my fealty to this quasi-religion by capitalizing--you who have read any of these posts know how begrudgingly i capitalize things--it's a time thing.

he recommended Tumblr. I tried it. but the quirk (and every single damn one of these blog sites have on) for Tumblr was this annoying limit they have on the number of audio files you can upload in a twenty-four period. i mean really. jeezus, you'd think they were giving away free bath water for us all to throw the baby away in.

i tried My Space. That was just too slick and sleazy. i'm still getting sloppy seconds sex biker chick emails from this one. c'mon folks is EVERYONE you know addicted to porn? i mean don't get me wrong...i...no, let's stop the madness right here. as it is the SEO police will start pairing Sexed Up Sex Kittens on Parade with my blog. YAY!

where was i?

yeah. the blog sites i was running between in search of one that would allow me post audio on my blog. i mean this is not just a hollowy vague sort of desire. this IS a music-related blog right? and i AM putting down some originally banal renditions of some spectacular songs right?

so i tried Tumblr, Blogger, My Space and Wordpress.

This last one was particularly interesting/annoying.
It was recommended by an IT guy. that is: Information Technology THE KIND AND POPE OF ALL THINGS SHINY AND NEW. Am i getting carried away with my sarcasm or what?

What made Wordpress annoying is that it out and out wasted my time. my precious, precious, not-getting-paid-a-dime and out-of-a-paying-job, time. sick bastards!

Later i was told that their webmaster was out. out? out of what? out of a job? no...that would be me. Maybe he SHOULD be out of a job though. The webmaster...the all-knowing master of all things web-like was..."out." wtf?

i didn't wait around to find out just what that meant. time you know. bad enough i'm not getting paid for this; to then waste the time that would ordinarily be counted in my wages, if i had any, and count against the mandatory daily hourly wagery jobbery, which doesn't exist, is just anathema to a hard-working out-of-work worker such as myself.

so i went back to good ole Blogger. the mothership. the site of my first blog. my no-more-virgin-social-networking-pop culture experience. Pop!

yep, i went back to see if i could make it work. i left it, whored myself out to other sites. slept around if you will. but seeing no other legs of sufficient interest, none so long and slender, none so...oh oh...more Sex.Sex and More Sex in Your Very Own Sexed-up Sex...Sex spam.

determined to make this work for me, to figure out how to add audio to this blog of mine, i hit the keys one morning around 10am, just after sitting for a while getting all centered and calm.

turns out it was good thing, that i spent a little time meditating that is. i mean don't get me wrong; i'm no monk. but i've been doing it long enough you'd think i'd be a tad farther along in the 'peaceful grasshopper' department.

at any rate, it was a good thing i started the day out as cool, calm and collected as i did given the SHIT storm that slowly, methodically stalked my sorry ass the moment it hit the chair.

i began searching (researching, we like to call it in the biz), happily punching buttons, Googling (notice the obsequious capitalization, now THAT's RESPECT), wading through hit after hit of unrelated homonym-driven bullshit that the OS seemed to think i needed.

i ran across all manner of 'expert advice' in forums, chat rooms, company websites, blog 'HELP' files. Now this last one the "HELP" files. this one really deserves to slapped up-side the head with a friggin two-by-four.

"HELP?" Really? i thought, in my silly, over-forty sensibility meant that this is where you go when you need assistance, like,

"Don't know what you're doing? Click here and we'll HELP."
or

"Hey pal, you poor sonofabitch.
Too old?

"What's the matter Bucky? Smart-ass computer game-playing kids left you behind? Feeling dumb as a box of hammers?

Out of your element?"
"Can't find your ass with both hands today or figure out which end of the shovel to grab on to?"

Click on this: HELP button.
We'll straighten your curmudgeony ass right the hell out!

Again and again i fell for this.
Click on the HELP button. Wince. Stand back and wait for the damn thing to explode into a million tiny nuggets of wisdom. All the right pieces right there for me pick through and find just the right one.

Never happened.

But what DID happen was it contributed greatly to the growing knot in my stomach. the one that had healed over from the last bout with Information Technology. (this capitalization lip service is losing its charm fast).

Not to be deterred, i calmly navigated from stop sign to stop sign, slowing down for the occasional bright promise. Every rabbit hole eventually lead nowhere. just deeper dirt.

Wouldn't have been too bad, if it had stayed linear like that; every tutorial, every 'newly hacked' code from yet another braniac youngster with nothing better to do then jerk us older codgers'around ending in a dead end right away. but no. some actually worked....but not...wait for it...
not on Firefox.
or
not on Safari.
or
not on your mama!

and that's when the shit hit the fan for me.

5 hours of doggedly following my nose from promise to frustration, after a while it gets to a fellow.

but it's all good.

hidden among the twisted wreckage lies the rich stuff, those twinkling gems of hard-won knowledge sacrificed on the altar of ignorance.

it's all good.